Made of Awesome Contest

Shelley Watters’ blog, Is It Hot in Here Or Is It This Book?, is hosting an awesome contest which is going on right now.

My 1st page (250 words) for SEREN’S ANGEL is below. A big THANK YOU in advance for all comments and crits. GOOD LUCK to everyone!!!

TITLE: SEREN’S ANGEL
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
WORD COUNT: 85,000

Emma had always loved coming here. It was her refuge in a crazy world that couldn’t seem to accept her. Nobody judged or criticized her here. This place understood her. How many times had she ducked under the branches of the weeping willows as she wandered along the waters edge of the man-made lake? Lost in thoughts and daydreams she had traversed the many small paved roads, stopping every now and again to smell the flowers that had been planted along the paths.

With her back against the tree trunk Emma pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs and leaned her head against the tree. This used to be her place of solace; the quietness always stilled her mind. Not today. A heavy sadness filled her as her gaze took in the marbleized stones, granite monoliths and cement crosses. Lakeside Cemetery used to be beautiful, but not anymore. Nothing would ever be beautiful in her world again.

“Momma, are you here?” A soft wind blew, gently caressing her face. “I warned you. Why didn’t you listen?” Burying her head into her hands she whispered as the tears fell. “I need you momma. I can’t take it anymore.” Emma felt the wind lift her hair. She looked around and saw the shadows then she heard their whispers. She ignored them. All was dark in her world, now that momma was gone. There was no happy light left in her anymore and she couldn’t help them.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – –

FINAL ENTRY, after edits made

TITLE: SEREN’S ANGEL
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
WC: 61,000 (will be closer to 81,000 after more edits)

Emma had always loved coming here. It was her refuge in a crazy world that couldn’t seem to accept her. How many times had she ducked under the branches of the weeping willows as she wandered along the waters edge of the man-made lake? Lost in thoughts and daydreams she had traversed the many small paved roads stopping here and there to smell the pretty flowers. This place understood her.

With her back against the tree trunk Emma pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs, and leaned her head against the rough bark. This had been a place of solace; its quietness stilling her mind. Emma’s gaze took in the marbleized stones, granite monoliths and cement crosses. Lakeside Cemetery used to be beautiful, but not anymore. Nothing would ever be beautiful in her world again.

“Momma, are you here?” A soft wind blew, gently caressing her face. “I warned you. Why didn’t you listen?” Burying her head into her hands she whispered as the tears fell. “I need you Momma. I can’t take it anymore.” Emma felt the wind lift her hair. She looked around and saw the shadows then heard their whispers. She ignored them. All was dark in her world now that momma was gone. There was no happy light left in her anymore and she couldn’t help them. Emma sniffed. I can’t even help myself.

Emma swiped the tears from her face on her sleeve then stared at the small, granite heart that marked her mother’s new home.

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3 thoughts on “Made of Awesome Contest

  1. I love the atmosphere that you're creating here with her sadness and the cemetery. I think that you could maybe condense it a bit though. Look over every sentence and ask yourself if you've already said basically the same thing elsewhere or used a sentence already to convey the same meaning/emotion. For instance, in the first paragraph, I would maybe take out the part about nobody judging her or criticizing her because you've already basically said that in your second sentence. Also work a bit more on showing instead of telling. We can take away by the atmosphere and her words that she's full of sadness, so saying things like "a heavy sadness filled her" is unnecessary and it's telling the reader what they should be able to discern from the rest of the passage (and we can tell from other things you have written). I like the implication that she helps whatever these things that are whispering are. You have me intrigued!

  2. I agree with the other comment. I discovered, while revising my own novel that I have a tendency to say the exact same thing, three different ways, in a row. So I reread with that in mind and only keep the most interesting or strongest of the three. I'm a fellow paranormal romance writer, so I'm predisposed to like this. :)I like that the setting used to be soothing until her mom is laid to rest there. That's a great hook. So are these mysterious shadow people. I definitely want to read more!

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